Monday, October 6, 2008

Aaron Heilman, hopefully former Met, National Embarassment

Aaron Heilman
Born: November 12, 1978 ( 1978-11-12) (age 29). Bats: Right, Throws: Wrong
former high draft pick, almost singlehandedly ruined 2006 playoffs, 2008 season, etc.
Dislikes: parking spots that are far away
Likes: giving up walks and homers in key situations, ripping the still beating heart out of Mets fans
"Even when I pump my fist, I suck."

"Poopeyface" Parkingplace
Errant Hellman
Jerry's Kid

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Moises Alou, whereabouts unknown

Moises Alou
(usually pronounced /ˈmɔɪ̪zɨs əˈluː/ in English, and /moiˈses alˈou/ in Spanish, "Wasted Cash" in Metsfan)
July 3, 1866 in Atlanta, Georgia
Accomplishments: can't remember what he did, (neither can he) but Omar Minaya is counting on him to do it again

Read this and try not to cry:
Announcing another $8 million or so down the drain:
November 21, 2006
The 40-year-old slugger finalized an $8.5 million, one-year contract on Monday with the NL East champions, who also declined their $14 million option on left-hander Tom Glavine and swapped young pitchers with the Florida Marlins in a four-player trade.

Alou's deal includes a $7.5 million club option for 2008 with $1 million buyout. The six-time All-Star, who gets a $7.5 million salary next season, said he turned down two-year offers from other teams to join the Mets.

"The length of my contract doesn't really matter at this point in my career," Alou said. "I wanted to come here because this year -- I wanted to win this year."
"I hope this new shawl will protect me from drafts."


Grandpa Moises
Moises "You say goodbye, I say" Alou
Moises Alouser (courtesy of Cub fans)

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Jose Reyes, Current Met Phenom

Reyes is the Mets' most exciting player, but he sometimes makes bad choices

Senor Stands Alot (get it? He doesn't run out hits, he just stands there!)
Professor Jose

Friday, July 6, 2007

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Tom Glavine, former Met, 2007 Opening Day Pitcher

Thomas Michael Glavine
Bats Left, Throws Left Height 6' 1", Weight 190 lb
Born March 25, 1966 in Concord, MA
Former Brave behind enemy lines
Likes: Ice hockey, $42.5 million contracts
Dislikes: Taxicabs, Questec, Roger Cedeno's defense


Tom(ahawk) Chop
Toothless Tom
Agent Glavine
Batting Practice Guy
Glavoline Havoline Oil
Mr. "Not Devastated"

petition commissioner for your own favorites in the comments section

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Oliver Perez, soon to be former Met

Oliver (Martinez) Perez
Born August 15, 1981 in Culiacan, Sinaloa, Mexico
Bats Left, Throws Left Height 6' 3", Weight 160 lb.
Role: Organization savior? Organizational folly?

"Mmmmm....Tastes like Cy Young"

Approved Nicks:
Doh' Pee
Oliver "Down with OPP" Perez
Senor Sabor

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Chan Ho Park, former Mets minor leaguer, could be on Dodgers right now, but no one really knows

Chan Ho Park
Born June 30, 1973 in Kongju, South Korea
Bats Right, Throws Right Height 6' 2", Weight 185 lb.
Not really a Met, but feet are registered weapons


Chan Ho Parkinglot
Chan "Oh-No" Park
Chan "Walks the" Park
"Jackie" Chan Ho Park (after getting himself out of tight situation)
Chan Ho "No-No" (after pitching Mets first no-hitter)
Chan "Bo" Park (after taking up football and ruining hips)
Chan "Pimps up, Ho's down" Park
Chan Ho "South" Park
Chan Ho "Paaak" (Boston pronunciation)
Chan "Hoser, eh" Park (Canadian pronunciation)
Chan "Show Down for the 'Ho' Down" Park
Chan "I Wanna be a " Ho Park